I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
