I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
