The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you will always have a special place in my vag
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
