Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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