Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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