WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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