how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
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