Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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