Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im holly from the hills drunk
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
