did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i will never coherently bang her
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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