I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
