when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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