Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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