I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
A bitchslap is in order.
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