i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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