dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
