I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
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Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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