I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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