I wish my penis had an off switch
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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