I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
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