i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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