I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
