I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
