remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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