At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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