someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
