There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
