She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
