Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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