If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
