you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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