There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
