where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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