i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
