Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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