some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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