Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
