I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
