I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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