I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
