Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
