i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
