and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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