The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
