Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
