i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
