Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
