just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
