I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
