In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
