I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
