I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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