I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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