Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
