Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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