so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
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It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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