sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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