she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He shit in the fireplace
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