If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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