i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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