I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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