I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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