There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
