I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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